


if to change is what you need

by baekili



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-16 03:08:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18086315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/baekili/pseuds/baekili
Summary: Jeremy’s stupid brain thinks unwanted thoughts, like what if he and Michael aren’t actually meant for each other? What if they’re holding each other back? What if, after spending the majority of their time together since they were in kindergarten all the way through to their senior year, they had shaped each other into the wrong people?What if they needed time apart in order to truly grow?Well, Michael will have to quell all of these fears.





	if to change is what you need

**Author's Note:**

> this is based off of the song 'grow as we go' by ben platt! heres a link, i highly suggest listening to it before you read it!
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDeNQNtW1f8

Jeremy’s general anxiety had been a lot better the past years after he really found a place within his friend group, which wouldn’t have happened if Michael hadn’t gained the confidence to finally ask Jeremy out. Dating his best friend forced Jeremy out of his comfort zone in many ways, but he also felt more comfortable with his boyfriend than he did anywhere else.  
  
But this doesn’t mean that he never feels anxious.  
  
He worries that his dad is lonely; he only works during the day to come home and watch tv before going to bed, waking up, and starting this routine over again.  
  
He worries that his friends might not really see him as more than a nuisance; someone they have to hang out with because they don’t want to be mean to him (but God knows it never stopped anyone before).  
  
He worries that his choice in schooling was a mistake; that acting isn’t really his calling; that everyone has just been lying to him about this talent he thinks he has, and that when he actually gets there, he’ll make a huge fool of himself.  
  
But most importantly, he worries that he and Michael aren’t actually right for each other. He’s hurt Michael in the past; he’s pushed him away, ignored him, called him a _loser_ for goodness’ sake. That never deterred Michael from standing by him, eventually working up the courage to call Jeremy his boyfriend. He worries that he and Michael only know life with each other, and that if they were to break up Michael might be happier in the long run.  
  
He knows these fears are irrational, but that doesn’t make them any less scary.  
  
He thinks about this as Michael heats up a hot pocket ( _“I know they’re gross, Jeremy, but we don’t have any money!”_ ).  
  
He stares blankly ahead, not listening to whatever Michael is talking about. He gets like this sometimes - distracted, too anxious to keep up a conversation, too anxious to focus on anything other than what he’s anxious about. Michael sees immediately, but gives Jeremy a minute to bring himself back down to earth before he has to bring out the big guns. He knows it embarrasses Jeremy to zone out all of the time, but after a moment of Jeremy staring at nothing, he puts his hand on Jeremy’s back, waving his hand in front of his face.  
  
“Jere?” He tries, smiling when his boyfriend blinks back into reality, but sighing when the happiness doesn’t return to his eyes.  
  
“What’chya thinkin’ ‘bout so hard over there, huh?” Michael grins awkwardly, allowing Jeremy time to get his thoughts together.  
  
“It’s nothing,” his boyfriend frowns, looking down at his hot pocket and picking at it, but not making any moves to actually eat any of it.  
  
“Ah, ah, ah! I know when my boyfriend is bothered by something. You must know by now that anything that makes you zone out like that is not nothing to me, Jere-bear,” Michael smiles softly.  
  
Listening to and debunking Jeremy’s fears is a regular occurrence between the two, and has been since they were in elementary school and Jeremy first started realizing that crushes were a thing. Michael had realized this much earlier than Jeremy (he doesn’t remember a time when he didn’t have a crush on the other), and therefore was the perfect person to give his best friend advice. They never quite broke the habit, but Michael wasn’t complaining.  
  
“O-of course,” Jeremy gulped audibly.  
  
“I was j-just thinking that... well, have you ever thought about the fact that you and I have never really, uh, been apart? Y’know, aside from... that one time,” he stuttered out. Sometimes, telling his boyfriend about his fears and insecurities makes him feel even more insecure, until he can calm Jeremy down.  
  
“Well, yeah, I’ve thought about it before, but I think it’s a good thing, right?” Michael laughs nervously. So this is one of those issues, is it? One that actually affects Michael? Those are always difficult to convince Jeremy not to worry about, and while Michael loves his boyfriend, anxiety and all, he can’t deny that the constant worrying makes him anxious as well sometimes. Especially when his worries are ones that may cause a rift in their relationship (these issues don’t arise often, but when they do, they take a long time for Michael to convince Jeremy not to worry about).  
  
“Well... B-but what if you’d be happier without me? We’ve never been apart, Michael, and that freaks me out. I have no idea what life would be like without you in it, and I’m... worried I’m holding you back,” Jeremy finishes. He bites at his nails, waiting for Michael to fully process and respond to what he said.  
  
The thing is, Jeremy knows his fears are often irrational, but that doesn’t make them any less real when he’s worrying. In his eyes, Michael could have spent more time on other things instead of with Jeremy- he could’ve had amazing grades or something if Jeremy hadn’t distracted him his whole life. What if he had had the chance to get into a hugely prestigious school, one that would showcase his talents and bring him one step closer to whatever it is that he might have been able to really focus on if Jeremy hadn’t just... been there all the fucking time. It sounds crazy, but in Jeremy’s stupid brain, it makes perfect sense.  
  
“Jeremy,” Michael pauses, allowing himself to try and understand his boyfriend's thought process here. He and Jeremy are at the time where they need to start applying for colleges, and Michael refuses to go anywhere without his boyfriend (he would be willing to go to two different schools as long as they live close by or together).   
  
“From what it sounds like, you think that by being with me my whole life you’ve... held me back?” Michael asks, continuing after Jeremy hesitantly nods.   
  
“Jeremy... I know that this is a serious worry for you, but,” Michael takes his hand. “You have to know how crazy that is, right?”  
  
Jeremy frowns, “It’s perf-perfectly reasonable to think that m-maybe we’d be in different places without each other!” He huffs, annoyed at his boyfriend for not taking his concerns seriously.  
  
“Yeah, Jeremy, we would be in completely different places,” he says, and Jeremy looks up at his boyfriend now in worry, but sees a soft look in his eyes and a small smile on his face. He looks cute, and it takes all of Jeremy’s willpower not to squish one of his cheeks. Michael’s presence in itself is often enough to help him calm down when he gets worked up.   
  
“I’d probably be like... in fucking juvie or something if it weren’t for you,” Michael laughs.   
  
“What?”  
  
“Well, you remember how in our freshman year I told you I wanted to try and shoplift something, but just as I was about to go through with it, I changed my mind and didn’t?” Jeremy nods.  
  
“Or when someone offered me ecstasy and I took it home but after I talked to you I was too scared to actually take it?” Jeremy nods again.   
  
“You do realize that I only every stopped being interested in that stuff because of you, right?” Jeremy furrows his eyebrows. He distinctly remembered his boyfriend picking up something at that convenience store, looking at Jeremy, but then putting it back immediately after and walking out of the store. Michael had said that he got cold feet, and Jeremy had no reason not to believe it.   
  
“I actually tried another time to steal something but... I remembered the worry I saw on your face and how - just, disappointed you seemed in me. I kept that tablet in my sock drawer for weeks afterwards until I finally just threw it out my window when I remembered how scared you were when I brought it home that day, and that’s just for starters,” Michael looks down at his hands that had laced with Jeremy’s at some point in this conversation.   
  
“When we stopped being friends for that period of time... I started going to a therapist,” Jeremy makes a small noise of shock.  
  
“What do you mean, you started seeing a therapist? Why didn’t you tell me?” He choked out, not believing that his boyfriend would keep something like that from him.  
  
“It was something that I had to do on my own,” The words fly out of his mouth so fast it’s like he had no filter. “My moms don’t even know, I just... saw a clinic in the mall and, well, I had to pay a small fee but they promised it would be completely private unless I seemed like I would try and hurt anyone or myself which I obviously wasn’t going to do but,” He pauses to take a breath. “I felt so alone without you, Jeremy, you were my only friend. It was like all of my sadness and anger and confusion just... completely overtook me all at once. Like I had no control over anything and... like I had lost the only person I ever thought would never leave me,”  
  
Tears had started to well up in Jeremy’s eyes during his boyfriend’s short monologue, but a sob burst its way out at the very end.  
  
“I’m so s- _sorry_ , Michael, how could I d- _do_ that to you?” He cries, putting his arms around his boyfriend. “How could I have th-thought that I could be a-anything other than just... an idiot without y-you?”  
  
“That’s what I’m getting at, Jeremy,” Michael laughs wetly. “You and I... I think we bring out the best in each other. I know that I’d be doing all sorts of stupid shit if I didn’t have you to steer me straight. And, sure, maybe we are very dependent on each other, but,” he pulls back from his boyfriend to look into his eyes, and is then spurred on from the trust he sees there. “I know that you would never take advantage of me ever again, and haven’t we been through enough together?”  
  
Jeremy laughs, tears dying down and using his shirt sleeve to wipe away the ones still on his face.  
  
Michael smiles at his boyfriend’s cuteness. If he has to help Jeremy with his worries for the rest of his life, he’d gladly do it just for that.  
  
“So stop worrying about what we’d be like without each other or that we’re too close, and if you think that you need to change, y’know... you can just change with me,” Michael smiles shyly, pushing his glasses back onto his nose after they had jostled around when he hugged his boyfriend.   
  
It’s the sweetest and cutest thing Michael has ever said and done, and all of Jeremy’s willpower isn’t enough to stop him from kissing his boyfriend, a hand going up to cradle his face. Michael’s sound of shock gets muffled, coming out as sort of ‘mmpf!’, and Jeremy whispers an ‘I love you’ onto his boyfriend’s lips.   
  
The only acknowledgement Jeremy gets is a squeeze on the hand that Michael has held this whole time.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading my first bmc fic! i recently read the book and ive been listening to the musical for a couple years now but got into it again a while ago (ive just been binge reading so many fics omg) 
> 
> if you havent listened to much of ben platt (what) heres what i would suggest starting with because his vocals are a m a z i n g omg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYE8L6X_-Ew
> 
> its not super long but idk i didnt think it was super necessary to make it longer? like the whole point of the story was wrapped up so i think it was fine lol. notice the double meaning at the very end (michael held jeremys hand the whole convo but also his whole life uwu)
> 
> anyways if you wanna talk pls message me or comment and let me know what you thought ! im also totally up for requests ! <3
> 
> my twitter is twitter.com/spiolerman too if you wanna chat there!!!!
> 
> also im canadian and we dont have hot pockets we have pizza pockets (theyre so much better oh my god) and i usually eat them with a fork only bc they get so hot and i genuinely googled if you guys use forks or not


End file.
